Introverted Mom Visits the Library

Today is library day.  Introverted Mom and Introverted Son are going to the library.

The Children's Department is abuzz.  Today is Perky, Positive-Reinforcement Mom Day at the library.  Introverted Mom and Introverted Son scope out the scene.  The train table is empty.  So is an adult-sized chair.  Introverted Mom and Introverted Son stake claim.

While Introverted Son chugs the choo-choo, Introverted Mom scans the book titles.  Berenstain Bears Go on Vacation.  Berenstain Bears Visit the Dentist.  The Butt Book.  Clifford and the Kitten.

The Butt Book??  Who on earth would write a children's book about butts?

 Artie Bennett would.

Who on earth would read a book entitled The Butt Book?

Introverted Mom at the library would.

      Eyes and ears are much respected, but the butt has been neglected.

This is hilarious.

      We hope to change that here and now.  Would the butt please take a bow?

"How high can you count, Bryson?!"

Introverted Mom's train of thought crashes.  It's Angled Bob-Hair Mom, showcasing her children's special talents to Sexy-in-a-Sweatsuit Mom.

 Good grief...

 "C'mon, Bryson!  Tell us how high you can count!"  Bryson buries his nose in a book, one with chapters.

"And how high can you count, Trevor?  Can you count to 10?  Count to 10!  C'mon, Trevor, you can do it!  Onnnne.....twoooooo...."

 For gosh sakes, Trevor, just spit out a number!

 Trevor joins Introverted Son at the train table.

"He just says '100' because he thinks he can count to 100," Angled Bob-Hair Mom reassures us all.

I didn't hear Trevor say one word.

      In England, where they call moms "mums," people call their buttocks "bums."

"Where you live?"  Trevor destroys Introverted Son's solitude.  Introverted Mom glances up.  Introverted Son continues to play.

"Where you live?"  Trevor presses.  "Where you live?  Where you live?  Where you live?"  Trevor steps closer to Introverted Son until finally, a clear invasion of personal space.

 "By Sandy's house!" growls Introverted Son.  Introverted Mom smirks.

      Butts have cheeks just like our faces...

"Where you live?  Where you live?"

My gosh, Trevor...

"Oh Trevor, that's a personal question!" laughs Angled-Bob-Hair Mom, connecting eyes with Introverted Mom.

"It's ok," replies Introverted Mom.  "He said 'by Sandy's house.'  Sandy is our neighbor."

"Well that's a good answer!" cheers Angled Bob-Hair Mom.  "Good answer, buddy!  Way to be safe!"

Safe from all the perky people in this world.

      Fanny, bottom, heinie, rear...

Angled Bob-Hair Mom visits with Sexy-in-a-Sweatsuit Mom.  The children play.  The shower of positive reinforcement continues to rain.

Angled Bob-Hair Mom has such energy.  Angled Bob-Hair Mom stays so positive.  Angled Bob-Hair Mom would never yell at her children.  Angled Bob-Hair Mom probably says "bottom" instead of "butt".

"Let's not touch the fishies!  We don't want to get germies!"

Angled Bob-Hair Mom would never tell her children the fishies might bite their fingers off.

      Giraffe butts are supremely tall, but mouse butts are extremely small.

"Take off your hat and show everyone your new haircut, Trevor!"

Introverted Mom glances up.  Trevor has removed his ball cap.

Not too shabby, Trevor.

"I cut it myself!" boasts Angled Bob-Hair Mom.  "It's soo cheap and soo easy!"

Angled Bob-Hair Mom's children probably never look like they've battled a lawn mower.

      Best in show or just plain mutt, every doggy has a butt.

A rustling at Introverted Mom's feet jostles Introverted Mom.  Why it's Trevor, raiding Introverted Mom's library bag.  Trevor has found Buzz Lightyear, Introverted Son's best friend.

This ought to be interesting...

Introverted Son's back is to Trevor.  Trevor manhandles Buzz Lightyear's helmet. 

"No-no, Trevor!"  Angled Bob-Hair Mom sweeps across the carpet.  "That's not our Buzzy!  That's his Buzzy!"

"Buzzy"?

Introverted Son looks up.  Introverted Son's body tenses.  Introverted Son's eyes explain all:  Do I cry or slug him?

"Look here!  A book about butts!"

Way to understand your son, Introverted Mom!

      On their butts, skunks have a gland...

"Now Trevor, let's remember to not touch Buzzy!  That's not our Buzzy.  He just thinks all toys are his!" laughs Angled Bob-Hair Mom.

Was somebody talking to me?

Introverted Mom bristles.  Angled Bob-Hair Mom has relocated to another adult-sized chair...right next to Introverted Mom.

Am I supposed to converse?  Is that how this moms-at-the-library thing works?  What do I say?  Where did Sexy-in-a-Sweatsuit Mom go?

"It's ok.  He can see Buzz."

Trevor obviously complies.

I hate teaching my children to share.  If some stranger was molesting my favorite belonging, I'd want to slug him, too.

"We like Buzzy at our house.  This is a nice Buzzy.  We just have a small one," explains Angled Bob-Hair Mom.

I guess I have to chit-chat.

"He got this one for Christmas.  It's great because the wings don't pop out, and he doesn't make any noise."

"That IS nice!  So this Buzzy's like a friend for both of you!!!" chirps Angled Bob-Hair Mom.

Go away, Angled Bob-Hair Mom.

"Umm....sure."

      That sprays a stink no one can stand.

Angled Bob-Hair Mom spots Newcomer Mom and flits over with a bright greeting.

"You've been here before, haven't you?  I've seen you here before!  I just know I've seen you!"

Introverted Mom deftly slides the Buzz bag under her chair with her feet.  Introverted Son spies the sole Thomas engine, currently held by Trevor.

      When dancing, you can shake your booty...

Trevor abandones Thomas for a wooden car, then scampers over to race on the table.  Introverted Son seizes the moment and captures said tank engine.

Trevor returns.  Trevor spots Introverted Son with Thomas.

"Mine!  My Thomas!  You no like Thomas!  Me like Thomas!"

Trevor really does think all the toys are his.

Angled Bob-Hair Mom swoops in the middle.  "Now Trevor.  We need to share.  This little boy needs a turn, too.  Let's share with him.  It's fun to share!"

"NO!  My Thomas!  Aaaaaaaahhhh!!!"

Sharing really isn't very fun.

Introverted Son feels the injustice of Trevor's attempts to snatch Thomas.  Introverted Son has surpassed his people interraction quota for the day.  So has Introverted Mom.

"It's ok.  We really need to be going anyways.  Let's go pick out some Thomas dvds and go home to see Daddy."

And so Introverted Mom and Introverted Son pack up their belongings, Buzz Lightyear included, and dash out the door.

I wish somebody had warned me today was Perky, Positive-Reinforcement Mom Day at the library.  I may need a few weeks to recover.

Introverted Mom starts the car.

I bet Angled Bob-Hair Mom goes home to her perfect house and blogs about Anti-Social, Unstyled-Hair Mom and Her Socially-Deprived Child.

      Don't undercut your butt, my friend...

A muffled rumble stirs the back seat.

"Hey Mommy!"

"Hey what-y?"

"I have a stinky butt!"

"Excuse you.  I bet you feel refreshed."

"Hey Mommy!"

"Hey what-y?"

"I love you, Mommy!"

     Your butt will thank you in the end.

Take that, Angled Bob-Hair Mom.


*All quotes taken from The Butt Book, by Artie Bennet, illustrated by Mike Lester.  Yes, this book really does exist.  No, I do not read it to my son.  :)