When Infertility Births Insanity: Picture Books of Hannah from "The Other Side"

When your heart aches for a child, you feel like you're on a solo train to nowhere.  Watching depots bustling with people you'll never step off to join.  Entering endless tunnels without the faintest glimmer of light.  Month-long journeys that circle right back to where you started from.  Only you carry more scars with each flip of the calendar.

In the desolation of your soul, you grab a book to search for consolation:

And read with fresh eyes.

You inflict the margins with the scars on your heart.

And find you have a sister.

But you know the name "Peninah."  You've lived the echoing pain that can radiate from those with close relational ties.  You endure intrusive questions and comments, yet you season your aura with grace.  Because the weight of this secret is somehow sanctified when shared solely with the Savior.

But the ride still feels lonely.

 You go through these...

...lots and lots of them.

Along the way, you learn you are not alone.  You have kindred spirits.

So you keep trying.  Waiting, wondering.  Constantly reminded month after month of dreams unfulfilled.  Confused as to what you could have possibly done wrong.

But still daring to hope...

 

...and imagining life as a "What if...."

Months evolve into years.

Until one day you feel unnaturally queasy...

...and get the shock of your life.

Suddenly, you turn a new chapter.  You are now on "The Other Side."

You are a conundrum.

Anticipating the future...

...yet painfully remembering those who are left behind.

You will never forget.

Then your time comes.  The cradled arms of your fulfilled heart radiate the joy that you are now "Mommy."  And it feels great...

...until about the third night of 1:07 a.m.

and...

and...

and...

and...

So you try a few tricks.  Tried-and-true methods...guaranteed to work.

You try it again

and again

and again

Night after night.  Month after month.  Generating a mental vocabulary you never dreamed possible.

For well over a year.

Until you finally realize your dream is the footnote to which magic recipes do not apply.

Your physical and emotional burnout clouds the shimmer of your once  joyous thanksgiving.  A new day has dawned.

A new chapter explored.

New books fill your library.  You read them over...

and over...

and over and over and over and over and over...

Until every absurdity you studied in college finally makes sense.

And just when you develop new meaning to the rhythms of living your heart's dream, you wake up one morning to acknowledge a flipside.

Now the battle to fulfill your deepest desire has become the battle with that deepest desire.

Until you're not sure how much more you can take.

And you feel guilty.

Guilty because you have everything you ever wanted badly enough to scar your books and secretly cry in desperation.  Guilty because you feel you don't deserve the grace to admit that what you expected to be occasional rough roads has become the most difficult ride of your life.

That just doesn't stop.

So you're back on that train to nowhere.

Feeling guilty.

Because you have not forgotten your journey.  You have not forgotten the sisters you left behind when you joined "The Other Side."  You remember what it's like to want something so badly that even morning sickness sounds like heaven.  To see the classic "mother with the screaming child at the supermarket" anecdote and yearn to be in her shoes.  To wish you had a reason to clutter your house and yard with bright plastic toys, to change poopy diapers, to endure sleepless nights.  Your mental chastisement never ceases because you have not forgotten.  You're forever etched with the knowledge that you have received the exact dream they want but cannot have.  So you should be grateful.

But you were disowned the minute the strip turned pink.  Your fulfilled desire has rendered you invalid and not worthy to feel their pain.  Nor do they want to know yours.

You are on "The Other Side," sister.

And Peninah is still here...

...giving all the answers.

 

Which you must quickly learn to manage.

...or else you'll drive yourself crazy from the failure complex wrought from the comparison game.

 So you learn "The Other Side" is its own third dimension.  You are neither here nor there.

Once again, you board the solo train to nowhere....

...and blush because you realize you left your book on the seat

.
..as well as your sister

So you visit for awhile, and revive your soul.

 

...and [Hannah] said to [Eli], "As surely as you live, my lord, I am the woman who stood here beside you praying to the Lord.  I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.  So now I give him to the Lord.  For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord."  (I Samuel 1:26-28)

Your train has reached a destination.  A destination that is the beginning of a new journey.  You are not alone.  For as long as you wrestle with the complexities of your blessing, with the battles of motherhood, with the Hannah's and Peninah's of the world, you will give them to the Lord...

...over and over

...month after month

...for your entire life

...secretly carrying your scars

But made stronger because of them.

Because the Lord is gracious to Hannah as His children grow in Him (I Samuel 2:21).