Introverted Mom Gives Birth

(In honor of Extroverted Son's 2nd Birthday)

Today is labor day.  Introverted Mom is in labor.

I don't think I'm in labor.

Introverted Mom's contractions are mild.  Introverted Mom's contractions are irregular.  Introverted Mom wants a Valentine's baby.  Introverted Mom kicks back, pops peanut m&m's, and watches the Winter Olympics.

 This is the life.

The afternoon breezes on.  Introverted Mom charts her contractions.

If I just take it easy, Baby Valentine will live up to his name.  I will go to the hospital, be dilated 5 centimeters, get my epidural, kick back and watch ice skating until Baby Valentine is born precisely on February 14th.  A mini-vacation!

Sounds like a plan, Introverted Mom.

Another contraction, stronger than the last.

Breathe through and relax.

The afternoon vanishes.  Time for Introverted Son's bath and bedtime.  Introverted Mom calls Introverted Grandma.

"I'm having more contractions, but they're still scattered apart.  I've had a few strong ones, but it hasn't been too bad.  I think we'll just keep Introverted Son here for the night.  I'll probably go to the hospital tomorrow."

Really, Introverted Mom?

Another contraction.  This one is strong.

A bigger contraction.  Introverted Mom leans over the couch for support.  Introverted Mom calls Introverted Dad into the house.  Introverted Mom telephones Introverted Grandma.

"I was wrong.  We're bringing Introverted Son over.  Right now.  Bye!"

Introverted Dad grabs Introverted Mom's hospital bag.  He rushes over to Introverted Mom who has dropped to the floor on all four, breathing hard.

"Get Introverted Son in the car, Introverted Dad.  Don't worry about me.  I'll meet you out there."

I can't have this baby in the living room!

Introverted Family speeds to Introverted Grandparents' house and drops off Introverted Son.  Introverted Mom fears she may give birth in Introverted Grandparents' driveway.

Maybe if I cross my legs....

Introverted Dad races them onward to the hospital.  It is dark.  It is snowing.  There is a slowpoke nitwit obstructing Introverted Dad's heroic dash to medical assistance.

"C'mon, you #$%&$@ !!!!" yells the Christian, generally mild-mannered Introverted Dad.

"Go Introverted Dad!" cheers Introverted Mom.

This is going to make the best story ever.

A red light.  Foiled again!

*pant pant pant*

"Don't worry.  I'm just panting to help with the pain.  I'm perfectly ok," reassures Introverted Mom.

Tomorrow I will confess what I liar I am.

"You say the word, and I'll go," proposes Introverted Dad.

Introverted Mom looks both ways.

"Ok, GO!!!!!!!!" commands Introverted Mom.

The hospital glows on the horizon.  What a glorious sight!

I think I can, I think I can.....

Introverted Dad parks in the front circle.  He whisks Introverted Mom up to the motherhood wing.

After a series of mundane hospital paperwork procedure, Introverted Mom finally checks into a room.

"Take this gown into the bathroom and change so we can check how far along you are," advises nonchalant Monotone Nurse.  Introverted Mom reluctantly obeys.

Another contraction.  The urge to push.  Super strong.

I am NOT going to give birth in the bathroom! 

Breathe, Introverted Mom!  Breathe!

Introverted Mom makes it back out to the bed.   Another contraction.  The urge to push.  Introverted Mom pants.

"Just try to relax and take deep breaths" coos Monotone Nurse.

I am trying not to deliver this baby right now, Monotone Nurse!

"I can't tell how far along you are.  I'm going to go get another nurse for a second opinion" declares Monotone Nurse, as she scuffles out of the room.

You're going to what?!  Why are you leaving me?  How long will you take?  Why are you walking?!  Run, lady, RUN!.....owwwwwwwwww!!!!

Introverted Mom grabs the bed rail for dear life.  After a full 60 seconds, she sheepishly turns to Introverted Dad.

"Are you doing ok?" squeaks Introverted Mom.

Introverted Dad blinks.

Another contraction.

Where's that blasted Monotone Nurse?!?  Does she want Introverted Dad to deliver me or what?!

"I need you to get a nurse in here!" wails Introverted Mom to Introverted Dad.

Finally, Monotone Nurse returns with her superior, Slightly More Competent Nurse.

Another contraction.

*pant pant pant pant pant pant*

"Just relax and take deep breaths.  Breathe innnnn........breathe outttttt...." drones Monotone Nurse.

I am not hyperventilating, you wannabe lamaze lady!  I am trying to keep this baby inside!!!

"She's at 10," mumbles Slightly More Competent Nurse to Monotone Nurse.

10?  That means I can push, right?

"Can't I have my epidural now?" wails Introverted Mom.

"Sorry, you're at 10.  It's too late," replies Monotone Nurse.

Oh. Crap.

Introverted Mom wants the baby out.  Introverted Mom wants the baby out now.

"NO, don't push yet!" panics Monotone Nurse, marginally changed in pitch.  "We need to wait for your doctor to come!  She'll be here any minute!"

Wait for my doctor?! The one who's currently driving here in this blizzard?!

Nurses swarm the delivery room.  Introverted Mom continues to cling to the bed rail for dear life.

Guess I don't get to watch ice skating tonight.

Another strong contraction.  An excruciating urge to push.

They said I'm at 10.  I know I'm allowed to push.  I know they're fully capable of delivering a baby.  They just don't want to do the dirty work.  Well guess what, ladies.......

Introverted Mom has had enough.

The next contraction hits.  Introverted Mom feels the power.  Introverted Mom goes for the gold.

"The head's crowning!" gasp the nurses to one another.

You bet the head's crowning!!!

The nurses scramble to find the nearest doctor on the floor.  Finally, a doctor arrives, grabbing his gloves and announcing his name.

What did he say his name was?

He could be the maintenance man for all you care, Introverted Mom.

"There goes my water!" growls Introverted Mom, defiantly pushing away.

"Stop pushing!" order the nurses, stricken with a deer-in-the-headlights look.  "We need to wait for the doctor to get his gloves on!"

Catch it bare-handed, buddy.  That's why I'm paying you the big bucks.

Introverted Mom assumes the proper delivery position.  The contractions intensify.  Introverted Mom needs to bite something.  Bad.  Introverted Mom instinctively raises the first thing her hand clutches to her mouth and opens wide.

What is this?

Why, it's Introverted Dad's hand.  Strong and sure.

Introverted Mom connects wide eyes with Introverted Dad.

Oops...

"It's ok...you can bite my hand if you need to," reassures Introverted Dad.

Awww....

Another contraction.

Owwwwwwww!!!!

Ah, the proverbial "ring of fire."

The books really weren't kidding!

 No, they weren't kidding, Introverted Mom.

"Head's out!" cheer the nurses.  

Almost done!

One final push, Introverted Mom!  You can do it!

"The baby's out!" announce the nurses.

"Praise. The. Lord!" heaves Introverted Mom, falling back into the bed.

"It's a boy!" state the nurses, displaying him to the delighted Introverted Parents.

A boy!  I'm so happy!  That wasn't so bad after all.

You are awesome, Introverted Mom.

A cry fills the room.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

Whoah, that's no little baby cry.

"What is THAT?!" a bewildered Introverted Mom asks Introverted Dad.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

"He's got some healthy lungs" declares Introverted Dad.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

No kidding.  That's quite the warrior's cry.  We may very well have a little extrovert on our hands.  Our little Extroverted Son.

The nurses clean, weigh, and wrap the wailing wonderchild, start Brahm's Lullaby on the hospital loud speaker, and soon return Extroverted Son to Introverted Mom.

"This is what we call a 'Stop-and-Drop' baby," laughs Monotone Nurse, slightly musical after all.

Extroverted Son chews his hands and raises his wide eyes to Introverted Mom.

This is what I call perfection.

Extroverted Son captivates Introverted Mom and Introverted Dad.  The baby who would be born on Valentine's Day entered the world on his own terms, chose his own date, and created an entire scenario worthy of a good laugh.  Extroverted Son has a lot to teach his Introverted Parents.

I will recount this gold-medal story some day, so we will never forget.  Until then, I'm going to bask in the glow of this sweet little boy who has changed our lives forever.

Sounds like a plan, Introverted Mom.  Sounds like a plan.