Sick and Tired

“The challenge of ministry in our home is that we do not always feel very “spiritual” when we wash our dishes. It hardly feels significant to scrub our toilet.  And we can feel that we are truly ministering when the Lord uses us to communicate a word of wisdom to someone, or He provides an opportunity to share the gospel with our neighbor. That seems like real ministry. And that is real ministry to be sure! But no more so than when we are wiping runny noses or cleaning the bathroom.”

― Carolyn Mahaney, Feminine Appeal

A friend recently posted this quote on facebook, and I've been pondering it for awhile.  This week was rough.  Sickness struck our house during a crunch to complete a major upholstery project, and no sooner had the kids recovered from hacking up a storm and sending me running for the barf basin at least a dozen times, that I could no longer fight off the impending muscle aches and serious woozies that finally crashed me to the couch for two days.

The thing about being sick as a mom is that you just can't enjoy it.  I never knew what a luxury it was to be sick until I became a mother.  Gone are the days of being nursed back to health.  Those blissful days when you learn the healing powers of a day off school, endless 7-Up (in the special smiley face cup with the straw), the tv remote all to your couch potato self, and the parental-reinforced feeling that the mere act of aiming your upchuck into the barf bucket makes you a brave little trooper.  I have to say, most of my memories of childhood illnesses are fond ones.

Now that I'm a mom, however, I croak my sore throat to a different tune.  It's a warbling combination of "I need to suck it up and be stronger.  People need me," and, "I WANT MY MOMMY!!!!"  Usually, this plays out looking like the boys getting to watch far too many episodes of Thomas & Friends until the obnoxious, singing British children make tearing up the entire house seem a more viable activity, and my grand accomplishment for the day is pulling out whatever frost-covered dinner happens to be stored in the front of our freezer and throwing it in the oven.  It's safe to say the days of luxurious illness have been trumped by survival of the sickest.

And I can tell you, it certainly does not feel like ministry.

As a mother, I often feel pulled in countless directions.  If it's not, "Mommmmyyyy!!!  He hit me!", it's usually, "I'm hungry!  I want a snack!"  Generally, this is when I've just sat down to accomplish a task.  And the forever stinky diaper on two chubby legs speaks non-verbal volumes.  Even the simplest chore can take hours when one's train of thought is consistently derailed.  Sometimes a good day at our house is a day that, quite frankly, ends.

To add to the mix, I often feel an unspoken expectation that getting through the day in one piece is simply not enough.  Never mind that a mom's role is completely sacrificial--my fighting farewell to a physical and mental capacity I never realized I needed until constant invasion pounded me so much that I find myself pinning straight-jacket tutorials to my "Sewing Inspiration" Pinterest board.  Don't get me wrong, I love being a mom to my two boys, and I know it will be the greatest role I will ever fulfill in my life.  But there's always a nagging feeling that serving our family is just what we SAHMs are supposed to do--what we chose to do.  It's our job and, therefore, does not count as actual "ministry."  If we are not attending every church meeting, serving on some children's ministry, studying the Bible every spare minute (whenever that is), and visibly helping the poor, needy, orphans, and widows, nor visiting the elderly on a regular basis, then by golly, we must not be good Christians.

It's not that serving those outside the home isn't an important facet of Christian life, it's just that in this particular period in our lives, outside dictations combined with the current flurry of demanding home life can stretch this fragile rubber band to the point of snapping.  Or, in my most recent case, crashing with illness.

As I was laying on the couch this week, feeling somewhat like a useless inconvenience only good for drooling on a pillowcase, I thought about the quote introducing this post.  I reminded myself that the majority of my ministry in this home is unseen and will probably be misunderstood by many.  That does not mean I'm not ministering.  I recalled a few moms of grown children who reassured me that raising any child under 5 is the most difficult job in the world that really does tie one to the home.  But it's only for a season.  People will never see the whole picture of self-employment combined with our home life, and may question my routine need to wind down a busy day in the quiet hours of my home instead of performing acts of Christian service to be seen by others.  But I know at this particularly exhausting period of life, taking proper care of myself is the foundation for taking care of my family--my ultimate God-given priority.

So while laying on the couch, planting my children in front of a stack of dvds, and tossing some frozen taco soup into a pot on the stove definitely did not feel like ministry, my children were supervised, clothed, and fed.  At the end of two days, we had survived.

And for this season of life, I know that was enough.