Introverted Mom Goes to the Grocery Store

Today is Monday.  It is grocery store day.  Introverted Mom and her two sons are going to the grocery store.

No, they're not.

What was that?

No, they're not.

Why, it's Pre-Partum Baby--a tiny, intricately-formed hoodlum nestled safely inside the realms of Introverted Mom.

I've been getting along with my mommy for over fourteen weeks.  I'm going to surprise her with morning sickness.  It will be great fun!

Oh dear, Pre-Partum Baby.  Are you sure?

Mommy fed me soup from a can last night when I really wanted fried mozzarella sticks.  Believe me, I'm sure.

As you wish, Pre-Partum Baby.

Pre-Partum Baby works some baby magic on Introverted Mom.  Introverted Mom woozily ventures to the grocery store a few hours late.

I hate going to the grocery store late.  It is crowded and I am hungry.

They arrive at their first destination, Low-Budget Grocery Store of Sheer Madness.  The store buzzes with middle-of-the-aisle-clogging patrons.  Introverted Mom fearlessly weaves between them with equally courageous Introverted and Extroverted Sons, tossing items in the cart as pertaining to their list.

This isn't so bad.  If only I weren't so woozy.  I just need to relax.

Sounds like a plan, Introverted Mom.

Introverted Mom soon arrives at the check-out.  Plan thwarted.

Two open registers with equally long lines.

Do I pick Ring-an-Item, Bag-an-Item Cashier or Scary Hairy-Armed Man-ish Cashier with the bright blue eye shadow?

Looks like Ring-an-Item, Bag-an-Item Cashier is your best bet, Introverted Mom.

Introverted Mom joins the line.  She waits.  And waits.  And waits.  And waits...

Breathe in, and relax.

Ring...bag.  Ring...bag.  Ring.......

Breathe innn....and outtt......innnnn...and ouuuttt....innn.....

"WaaaAAAAAAAaaaaaAAAAAAaaaaaaAAAAAHHHHH!!!"

Introverted Mom's inner peace is jostled.

Why, it's Teeny-Bopper Mom, bouncing her squalling, not-quite-toddler on her hip as she places mountains of groceries on the check-out counter.

I know what that's like.

Introverted Mom sympathizes.

Teeny-Bopper Mom attempts to placate her wailing bundle of joy.

That's right, Teeny-Bopper Mom, an empty styrofoam coffee cup will do the trick.  Certainly your little blessing will not chomp it, choke, and die.

Introverted and Extroverted Sons are intrigued.  Introverted Son stares in disbelief, then states the obvious facts in a clear, projecting voice.

"That baby's eating that cup!  And it doesn't even have a lid on it!"

Extroverted Son chimes, "That's not safety smart!"

Introverted Mom feigns hearing loss and looks past Teeny-Bopper Mom in hopes of discovering what is holding up the line.

Why, it's Teeny-Bopper Mom's mother, Mama Bopper, loading a separate cart-full of groceries onto the check-out counter.

How on earth is Ring-an-Item, Bag-an-Item Cashier keeping these orders separate?

Good question, Introverted Mom.

Ring-an-Item, Bag an Item Cashier is equally confused.  Teeny-Bopper Mom and Mama Bopper rush forward to sort out the unchecked groceries.

Oh dear...

Introverted Mom scans the other check-outs but sees no glimmer of hope.

I knew I should've just gone to Upper Scale Grocery Store of Sanity.

Meanwhile, Bopper Baby drops said foam cup onto floor.  Teeny-Bopper Mom gasps.

Introverted Mom deftly returns her glance back to Teeny-Bopper Mom.

What happened?  Did the baby choke?  Did she drop the baby?!  Oh.  It's just the foam cup.  Not a huge deal.

Ah, but it is a huge deal, Introverted Mom.

Introverted Mom looks down.

COFFEE?!?!  She gave her small child a lid-less foam cup full of coffee?!?

Why yes, Introverted Mom, the coffee that is now all over the floor.

Heaven help us...

Heaven may not help us, but a few paper towels might do the trick.  Teeny-Bopper Mom wipes up the puddle...somewhat.

Is the other line open yet?  I'm not going to make it...

Good news!  Ring-an-Item, Bag-an-Item Cashier has now sorted out whose groceries belong to whom!

Hallelujah.

Bad news!  The total requires more cash than Mama Bopper has on hand.

How embarrassing.  I can see that happening to me.

Introverted Mom manages a sliver of sympathy.

Mama Bopper searches her cart.  Mama Bopper heaves a few unnecessary items over to the cashier.

Let's see....the bagels, lettuce, and bread go.  The potato chips, gallon of blue sugar punch, and pop stays.  Hmmm....

Ring-an-Item, Bag-an-Item Cashier announces a new total.  It is still more than Mama Bopper had planned.  Mama Bopper scans her cart and fishes through bags.

Introverted Mom is riveted.

What will they choose next...the Easy Mac or the frozen entrees?

An item emerges.

Why, it's a pre-made, refrigerated, foot-long sub!

"No!  Not my pre-made, refrigerated, foot-long sub!"

Mama Bopper has developed an unhealthy attachment to her cellophane-wrapped sandwich.

Teeny-Bopper Mom attempts to negotiate whether or not she will help her mother purchase said sub.

They deal back and forth.  Back and forth.  Back and forth.

Introverted Mom is woozy.  Introverted Mom is unnerved.  Introverted Mom has surpassed her Low-Budget Grocery Store of Sheer Madness quota for the morning.

Aaaaaaahhh!!!  Get me out of here!!!

"Mommy!"

A crystal-clear voice echos off the registers.

Why it's Introverted Son.  Introverted Son has reached his limit, too.

"Mommy!  Let's go to Upper Scale Grocery Store of Sanity!  People are NICE there!  People aren't CRAZY there!"

Introverted Mom squelches a snicker.  Introverted Mom cannot bring herself to chastise Introverted Son's lack of manner.  Introverted Mom spots an open register and dashes towards greener pastures.

Scary Hairy-Armed Man-ish Cashier with the bright blue eye shadow rings out Introverted Family's groceries in record time.  Finally, they leave the confines of Low-Budget Grocery Store of Sheer Madness.

"Everyone buckle up, and we'll put on some hand sanitizer!"  Introverted Mom doles out her traditional instructions when leaving the Low-Budget Grocery Store of Sheer Madness.

After cleansed hands and a quick jaunt around Upper Scale Grocery Store of Sanity, Introverted Family loads into their van and drives towards freedom.

Hey Mommy!  Don't forget about me!

Who could forget about you, Pre-Partum Baby?  You've been making your presence known all morning.

I am hungry!  I need fried mozzarella sticks!  

Are you sure you don't want canned soup?

Moommmmmmyyyyy.....

As long as you don't make me purchase a refrigerated, pre-made foot-long sub, I will give you whatever you want, my precious Pre-Partum Baby.

How about a styrofoam cup?

How about I buy lunch for your daddy and brothers, pound down an order of mozzarella sticks, and then you give me a comfy belly and we'll call it truce?

Deal.

Way to salvage a Monday, Introverted Mom.


For more adventures of Introverted Mom, check out:

Introverted Mom Visits the Library:  http://theupholstererswife.blogspot.com/2011/04/introverted-mom-visits-library.html

Introverted Mom Gives Birth:  http://theupholstererswife.blogspot.com/2012/02/introverted-mom-gives-birth.html